Fitting the Profile

I just got off the phone with Amy. Guess who's coming home this weekend! She's using up the rest of her frequent flier miles to come home because she's homesick. I'm homesick too -- can I go home? Once she's back and is standing in the waves of the ocean again, feeding the mosquitoes, maybe she'll be more open to reason when it comes to Robert. And the twin switch. We need a plan on how we will end this gracefully.

I have pretty much had it with Professor Rogerson. He is getting weirder and weirder every day. Today, I went by to talk to his secretary about my schedule for next week in law clinic. I am still spreading out the 4-5 hours per week (which translates into 3.9 actual hours) so I can avoid working with Rogerson. In any event, while I was standing at her desk, playing with the little yellow, squishy thing that says "Owwww" when you drop it, Rogerson stuck his head out of his office and asked to speak to me for a moment. I acted like it was no big deal. I've been to his office before, and I can usually make an excuse to get the hell out of there.

Rogerson has this big ol' stuffed snake (as in taxadermied stuffed) on a stand by his desk. (Amy always calls it "Eddie" since Rogerson's first name is Edward.) You can't help but notice the creature since it's displayed like a zoo exhibit or something. I think Rogerson uses it as a prop to embarrass people. Today, for example, he said, "Amy, you know you are always welcome to play with MY SNAKE..."

Now, I know there will be those people who will say he meant nothing by that. That there was no sexual connotation whatsoever. But you didn't see the way he said it... In that George Costanza way he has about him. Major creep. And what was with the photographs?? That's what I want to know. He had like a half dozen of 8x10 framed pictures of his wife and kids all over his desk, facing away from him. At one point, when I was saying how busy and stressed I am (and a reason why I need to leave his office pronto), he actually handed me one of the pictures of his daughter--like it was supposed to cheer me up? How weird is that? I didn't know he had kids...(Someone actually has sex with this man? Ewww).

Turns out that the pictures are props, too. He said he has to show pictures of his wife and family and talk about them because there is a "certain profile of female students" who will HIT ON HIM. Yes, that is what he said... He has to keep pictures on his desk, facing his guests, and actually hand them to people to look at...AND he said he has to talk about his wife and family because he's concerned about the "profile" of women who will HIT ON HIM. He said it with a straight face. Like he's serious.

I almost fell on the floor laughing my ass off! But no, I had to actually stand there and nod like I understood what he was saying... Where is my Academy Award? And the fact he is handing the pictures to ME?! Give me a break. Am I part of that "profile" he is talking about?

Didn't Bill Clinton do the same thing with the pictures on his desk at the time of the whole Monica thing? Nothing makes them look more guilty---or more slimy---then such an obvious attempt to cover something up. He is trying to create an alibi almost. Like we're going to all the sudden think: "Rogerson is an upstanding family man. He's happily married with kids, and he has to go the extra mile to make sure women won't hit on him. The poor thing."

I still don't know why he said he needed to speak to me for a moment. I guess it was to let me know he's happily married with kids so I won't hit on him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Just when you think you've seen it all...