Come Get Your Boat
The Boat Fairy paid me a visit last night. I was getting ready to leave this morning to go to Professor Tarkington's Criminal Procedure class, and when I walked outside, there was a boat attached to my (Amy's) jeep. How does that happen? Maybe it's a local Halloween tradition I'm not aware of? You know I love Charlie and the kids and all the neighbors around here. I understand that Amy has good relationships with all these people to where they can use her jeep anytime they want. Usually, as long as they put the top back on the jeep, and there's enough gas in it to get me to the law school, hey, I'm fine with it.
But, what am I supposed to do with a Boston Whaler attached to the jeep when I am already running late? I ran over to Charlie's to see if Rose knew anything (the kids were already at school and Charlie was at work). She has been spending all of her time with Ex-husband No. 5, so she hasn't been around much and doesn't know who owns the boat. I then tried calling the neighbors who live in the 3rd and 4th row houses. No one seems to know whose boat it is. Which is funny, in itself if you think about it. Since when do the people around here NOT know something? Everyone knows everyone, everything, and every boat within a 20 mile radius. Except this one. I tried to figure out how to unhitch the boat from the jeep and couldn't figure that out either. I really do need to go to boat school or something if I'm going to live down here.
So, when I couldn't find the owners, and I couldn't get the boat off of the trailer hitch, what did I do? I drove the jeep anyway. With the boat. To the law school. I left a note taped to the front glass doors to Amy's beach house that said, "Dear Boat Owner, I couldn't get your boat off of my jeep, so I had no choice but to take it to law school with me. Be home around noon. Amy."
Parking the jeep-boat combo in the student lot was interesting. The little wimpy security guard came running over to me, telling me I couldn't park my boat in the student lot. I told him it wasn't my boat, that I couldn't get the boat off, and didn't know who it belonged to. He started laughing and got on his little black walkie-talkie and told all his little security guard friends. They determined that I needed to park the jeep and boat on the street. LIKE I'M REALLY GOING TO FIND 2 PARKING METERS IN A ROW that are available at 9:25 in the morning?! Plus, I think there is a city ordinance where you can't park your boat at a meter. I could be wrong, but with my luck, I'm guessing it's a law. So, I pleaded with the security guy to let me keep the boat there while I went to one class. He finally said, "Well, I'm going to have to give you a ticket..." Fine. Great. I told him I would love a ticket.
And then the worst thing in the world happened. I ended up walking in late to Professor Tarkington's class! I know... I know... THE HORROR! It's like breaking a major law. You will get the death penalty for sure, because Tarkington loves the death penalty. Even for juvenile offenders--but that's another issue. When I walked in the building and noticed the clocks in the hall said 9:34, I knew I was doomed. I almost skipped the class completely. But then, I knew if I left, it would mean I went through boat-hell for nothing, and I even read the cases for today... So I figured, what the heck. Let's see what Tarkington does when I walk in late... Maybe he'll fire me as his Research Assistant, and I won't have to learn how to do all the legal writing crap or look up stuff about the death penalty for pre-teens.
As I inched my way closer to the classroom door, I was laughing to myself... I could just hear the "dum-dum-dee dum... dum-dee-dum dee-dum-dee-dum" horror movie music... And I could actually hear Tarkington's voice through the wall, though not enough to hear exactly what he was saying. I remember Amy always said if you are late for Tarkington's class, BEG FOR MERCY. You know how I hate that. But, I was prepared for it anyway. I put my hand on the silver round doorknob and slowly opened the classroom door...
You would have thought the world stopped spinning. Everyone in the classroom froze as a hush filled the room. Tarkington was saying something about the 6th Amendment, and I heard him stop mid-sentence. I didn't look over at him; I just walked quickly up the three long steps to the third row, said, "Excuse me, excuse me" as I stumbled past the students' chairs and laptop cords to get down my row, and then I sat down between Highlighter guy and Michele, who couldn't even look at me... Once in my seat, I didn't dare look up at Tarkington. I got my stuff out of my bag and opened the book. Tarkington continued on with his 6th Amendment soliloquy, which I took as a good sign. To my amazement and the other students' shock, Professor Tarkington didn't yell at me or kick me out of class. You just KNOW people were disappointed. It was the longest class of my whole entire life.
After class, Randall--the law student formerly known as Highlighter Guy--asked me why I was late. I noticed big ears were listening as people in the rows around me stopped talking to hear what I was saying. It was so tempting to make up something bizarre... But instead I told them the truth. Randall said, "Well, you'd better go tell Tarkington." Which translates into "Hurry up and tell Tarkington so we can all watch..."
Tarkington was talking to Michele and two other students when I approached him at the podium. I hate sucking up to people -- even good-looking-guy-type people. He turned to look at me and then looked at the podium, like he was packing up his stuff to go. I told him I was terribly sorry to be late, it won't happen again, blah blah blah...and he said, "I didn't kick you out of class because you of all people NEED to be here." I "need" to be there? Like I'm academically challenged to the point I need every single second of class I can get? Well...he's probably right. I tried to tell him my boat story, but he didn't seem that interested in it; he acted like I was making it up or something. Just as an aside, I will say, it never escapes my attention how attractive he is... even when he is mad. He still doesn't look right in a suit, though...and a green tie would better to bring out his eyes than the blue one he wore today... Amazing what goes through your mind while you're begging for mercy from Professor Tarkington.
When I finished with my final chorus of "I'm sorry," he basically just said, "Okay." That was it. The crowd of students who had stayed to watch were obviously feeling gypped. Even I was disappointed. No yelling? No threats to my (I mean Amy's) grade? No lecture about how the most important thing we can do for our clients is show up on time? Humph. I wonder if he's feeling okay. Maybe he's saving my lecture for when we're alone discussing his law review article? Except now I feel even worse because he didn't give me the punishment I deserved. I wish he had said something or did something besides just say, "Okay..."
And if that wasn't enough to make my day cheery, I then went into the hallway, and Astrid made some "joke" about how I must be having an affair with Tarkington since he didn't kill me. I guess since we all thought that about Becca when she walked in late, I can't really blame them. But it's still a weird feeling. I walked out to the parking lot to find a pretty pink parking ticket on the jeep. I have to turn it in to the Registrar's Office to see how much it will be. Under reason, the security guard wrote: "Unauthorized student vehicle parking in student lot." Even the security guards are verbose at law schools.
Now, sitting at home, I'm still waiting for the Boat Fairy to come back and get his or her Boston Whaler. If the boat belongs to you, please come by and pick it up.
But, what am I supposed to do with a Boston Whaler attached to the jeep when I am already running late? I ran over to Charlie's to see if Rose knew anything (the kids were already at school and Charlie was at work). She has been spending all of her time with Ex-husband No. 5, so she hasn't been around much and doesn't know who owns the boat. I then tried calling the neighbors who live in the 3rd and 4th row houses. No one seems to know whose boat it is. Which is funny, in itself if you think about it. Since when do the people around here NOT know something? Everyone knows everyone, everything, and every boat within a 20 mile radius. Except this one. I tried to figure out how to unhitch the boat from the jeep and couldn't figure that out either. I really do need to go to boat school or something if I'm going to live down here.
So, when I couldn't find the owners, and I couldn't get the boat off of the trailer hitch, what did I do? I drove the jeep anyway. With the boat. To the law school. I left a note taped to the front glass doors to Amy's beach house that said, "Dear Boat Owner, I couldn't get your boat off of my jeep, so I had no choice but to take it to law school with me. Be home around noon. Amy."
Parking the jeep-boat combo in the student lot was interesting. The little wimpy security guard came running over to me, telling me I couldn't park my boat in the student lot. I told him it wasn't my boat, that I couldn't get the boat off, and didn't know who it belonged to. He started laughing and got on his little black walkie-talkie and told all his little security guard friends. They determined that I needed to park the jeep and boat on the street. LIKE I'M REALLY GOING TO FIND 2 PARKING METERS IN A ROW that are available at 9:25 in the morning?! Plus, I think there is a city ordinance where you can't park your boat at a meter. I could be wrong, but with my luck, I'm guessing it's a law. So, I pleaded with the security guy to let me keep the boat there while I went to one class. He finally said, "Well, I'm going to have to give you a ticket..." Fine. Great. I told him I would love a ticket.
And then the worst thing in the world happened. I ended up walking in late to Professor Tarkington's class! I know... I know... THE HORROR! It's like breaking a major law. You will get the death penalty for sure, because Tarkington loves the death penalty. Even for juvenile offenders--but that's another issue. When I walked in the building and noticed the clocks in the hall said 9:34, I knew I was doomed. I almost skipped the class completely. But then, I knew if I left, it would mean I went through boat-hell for nothing, and I even read the cases for today... So I figured, what the heck. Let's see what Tarkington does when I walk in late... Maybe he'll fire me as his Research Assistant, and I won't have to learn how to do all the legal writing crap or look up stuff about the death penalty for pre-teens.
As I inched my way closer to the classroom door, I was laughing to myself... I could just hear the "dum-dum-dee dum... dum-dee-dum dee-dum-dee-dum" horror movie music... And I could actually hear Tarkington's voice through the wall, though not enough to hear exactly what he was saying. I remember Amy always said if you are late for Tarkington's class, BEG FOR MERCY. You know how I hate that. But, I was prepared for it anyway. I put my hand on the silver round doorknob and slowly opened the classroom door...
You would have thought the world stopped spinning. Everyone in the classroom froze as a hush filled the room. Tarkington was saying something about the 6th Amendment, and I heard him stop mid-sentence. I didn't look over at him; I just walked quickly up the three long steps to the third row, said, "Excuse me, excuse me" as I stumbled past the students' chairs and laptop cords to get down my row, and then I sat down between Highlighter guy and Michele, who couldn't even look at me... Once in my seat, I didn't dare look up at Tarkington. I got my stuff out of my bag and opened the book. Tarkington continued on with his 6th Amendment soliloquy, which I took as a good sign. To my amazement and the other students' shock, Professor Tarkington didn't yell at me or kick me out of class. You just KNOW people were disappointed. It was the longest class of my whole entire life.
After class, Randall--the law student formerly known as Highlighter Guy--asked me why I was late. I noticed big ears were listening as people in the rows around me stopped talking to hear what I was saying. It was so tempting to make up something bizarre... But instead I told them the truth. Randall said, "Well, you'd better go tell Tarkington." Which translates into "Hurry up and tell Tarkington so we can all watch..."
Tarkington was talking to Michele and two other students when I approached him at the podium. I hate sucking up to people -- even good-looking-guy-type people. He turned to look at me and then looked at the podium, like he was packing up his stuff to go. I told him I was terribly sorry to be late, it won't happen again, blah blah blah...and he said, "I didn't kick you out of class because you of all people NEED to be here." I "need" to be there? Like I'm academically challenged to the point I need every single second of class I can get? Well...he's probably right. I tried to tell him my boat story, but he didn't seem that interested in it; he acted like I was making it up or something. Just as an aside, I will say, it never escapes my attention how attractive he is... even when he is mad. He still doesn't look right in a suit, though...and a green tie would better to bring out his eyes than the blue one he wore today... Amazing what goes through your mind while you're begging for mercy from Professor Tarkington.
When I finished with my final chorus of "I'm sorry," he basically just said, "Okay." That was it. The crowd of students who had stayed to watch were obviously feeling gypped. Even I was disappointed. No yelling? No threats to my (I mean Amy's) grade? No lecture about how the most important thing we can do for our clients is show up on time? Humph. I wonder if he's feeling okay. Maybe he's saving my lecture for when we're alone discussing his law review article? Except now I feel even worse because he didn't give me the punishment I deserved. I wish he had said something or did something besides just say, "Okay..."
And if that wasn't enough to make my day cheery, I then went into the hallway, and Astrid made some "joke" about how I must be having an affair with Tarkington since he didn't kill me. I guess since we all thought that about Becca when she walked in late, I can't really blame them. But it's still a weird feeling. I walked out to the parking lot to find a pretty pink parking ticket on the jeep. I have to turn it in to the Registrar's Office to see how much it will be. Under reason, the security guard wrote: "Unauthorized student vehicle parking in student lot." Even the security guards are verbose at law schools.
Now, sitting at home, I'm still waiting for the Boat Fairy to come back and get his or her Boston Whaler. If the boat belongs to you, please come by and pick it up.
posted by and (c) Traci Campbell at 3:26 PM
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